I started to write this a long time ago, but for some reason only wrote the title. So I sat down this morning and began again. This is just a bunch of random things I've been thinking about pertaining to self-confidence, so the writing probably won't flow too well.
Self confidence: a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgment. Easy to define, but not always an easy thing to possess. Am I self-confident?? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. We all doubt ourselves from time to time, so even the most self-confident people are not always confident.
I'm usually pretty confident at work. Haven't always been, but after passing my ASCP Microbiology certification exam I had quite the boost of confidence in myself and my abilities as a Medical Technologist in Microbiology. Although we have specifics and guidelines we go by, we must make a lot of judgement calls as to what organisms to work up and what not to work up. Work up too little and the patient doesn't get the needed treatment. Work up too much and the patient gets unneeded treatment. Unneeded treatment can actually lead to more problems and even severe infections. So the right decision is critical and having confidence in that decision is critical, because sometimes you have to explain yourself to doctors and nurses. And we don't actually see the patients, so if the doctor wants a normally non-pathogenic organism worked up we go ahead and do it. Does this mean we made the wrong decision? No, we made our decision based on the information we had available.
Ok, on to the good stuff: Body Confidence!!! Even the beautiful Britany Spears struggles with this one!!!!! Me: I have been overweight, obese, and even morbidly obese (EEEKKK!!) since I was probably 10 years old. Body confidence is something I have struggled with for a long time. There is such conflicting messages out there. "Be confident! Lose Weight to look Great! Everybody is beautiful! Use this cream/makeup/pill to look better and cover your flaws!" Oh my! It is no wonder we all struggle. I have soooo many flaws: one ear sticks out more than the other, one nostril is bigger, I have scars on my face from my traumatic birth, not to mention I carry extra weight in my belly area.....you get the picture. The key to confidence is not to concentrate on what we perceive as "flaws," but to concentrate on what we like about ourselves. For example, I have very muscular calves. I loooooove my calves. When I'm having a down day I can just look at my sexy legs. LOL Also, I like my arms. I think I have great looking biceps! And my eyes are a nice hazel shade. I don't wear makeup much, but when I do it's to emphasize my eyes. Does everyone I come in contact with like my legs or arms, um no! Screw them!! I like what I like about myself and that is what matters!
Oh, my weight....I weigh about 275 right now. Yes, I said it...275. I am what you would call "morbidly obese." Am I proud of this? Um, not really. But I am so tired of my body confidence depending on what the number on the scale says. I have tried to lose weight. I have succeeded. I have failed. I have gained. People (myself included) are proud when I lose weight and disappointed in me when I gain. It is very difficult on me emotionally to be going through this all the time. I realize that the reason I struggle with weight is that I really enjoy eating/over-eating. I enjoy it! Am I "sick" for feeling this way? Maybe. Do I have a problem that needs to be dealt with? Maybe. Am I in denial of my health? No. For the time being, I will be content with my weight the way it is, and when I am ready, I will try again. Not right now.
Oh, just wanted to say that at 245 lbs I walked a half-marathon. Not many people can say that, even people who are more physically fit or weigh less than me. This is something I am particularly proud of. :)
